Loser Boyfriends are Good, Actually
Good for the dating ecosystem!
The past few years (my early 20s) have been all about friends, parties, for-the-plot escapades; ultimately just learning a lot about myself. I’ve learned a lot in both work and play, but I have definitely made a concerted effort to be present amongst friends above all else — to celebrate milestones, be there for tough moments, and just to coexist and live in girlhood. However, a part of being in your early 20s as a woman is also men and dating. If you’re not participating, you’re absolutely hearing about it because the women in your circle are. And not to say I didn’t participate, but men and dating certainly were not very high on the agenda. My anxieties about growing up when I was 22/23 were as follows:
covid stealing the end of college/post-college years
my friends being scattered throughout the country and maintaining those friendships
finding a jobfinding a job I can tolerate, or maybe even enjoy
grad school? and vaguely the future
moving out of my parents’ home
worrying about if I was missing things to worry about
There were always men in the background — one friend joked that I would sneeze and every man in a 50 mile radius would run over with a tissue. That was the reality of the situation, though; it seemed that, without me trying, men were paying attention to me, and making efforts to get to know me. Because of that, and because I had so many other things to worry about, I never looked at men and dating through a lens of anxiety — there were always men, and as far as I was concerned, there would always be men. I was really self-assured, and thought my career and friendships were the aspects of my life that needed tending to, so as my 20s went on, I worked and partied and worked and partied and kind of dated.
A huge requirement for me when it came to dating was not subjecting my friends to hearing about My Loser Boyfriend (MLB). In high school, I ended a few friendships due to a number of friends becoming MLB girls, and learned two things: first, that my life was always better off after ending these friendships, and second, that I don’t want to be an MLB girl. Naturally, I knew that to avoid being an MLB girl, I had to not have a loser boyfriend.
Unfortunately, a lot of women in their early 20s don’t make this promise to themselves and their friends, and MLB girls are everywhere — your friend, the friend of a friend, a coworker, a coworker’s cousin, your own cousin, even someone you’re eavesdropping on in line at a coffee shop. You think your early 20s are MLB girl hell, and then you actually listen to their MLB anecdotes, and realize they’re the ones that are in hell: unemployed loser boyfriends who venmo charge you for everything because their DJ dreams haven’t taken off yet, loser boyfriends who put you down when you talk about career achievements despite being x years older than you and having nothing or not much to show for it career-wise, loser boyfriends who look actively bored and act like talking to your friends at social events is doing them a favor, loser boyfriends who aren’t even hot, etc. (I’m not listing the more egregious examples because the guilty parties I’m thinking of will likely end up reading this). The entire time I was subjected to these stories, or would see loser behavior in real-time, I would think to myself, “Please stop speaking now!!!!! Please!!!! This is just so embarrassing, please stop!!!!”
Yet.
Yet — I eventually became thankful for these loser boyfriends. When I was not dating whatsoever, I would say, “Wow! It’s nice to be able to focus on my career and friends without having some loser boyfriend telling me I can’t do xyz. It’s nice to be able to just exist, really, without having some loser boyfriend subjecting me to his loserdom. Things could be so much worse. I feel so much better about myself!” When I was dating, I would say, “Wow! I like this guy — he’s kind, he’s employed, he’s nice to my friends, etc. Imagine dating a loser!” And when I’d tell guys about the loser boyfriends of MHB girls, they would say, “Wow! I can’t believe someone would say/do something like that. That makes me feel a lot better about myself.”
Now to get into the feminism of it all — yes, loser men drop the standards for other men; yes, women are forced to prioritize and accept the bare minimum due to this; yes, generally loser men get away with it over and over again. Unfortunately, this is the reality of our early 20s; mistakes are made, pre-frontal cortex decisions have consequences, and loser men who are older than you, want to Feel Something, and are rejected by women in their own age group love all of it. Is changing my behavior and beliefs right now going to change the men available in the dating pool? No. I’m really just adjusting to make myself feel better about being exposed to the piss and shit in the dating pool, and committing myself to raising respectful sons.
I don’t think anyone reading this (gender neutral) would agree that the qualities they sought out and prioritized in a significant other (gender neutral) in their early 20s align fully with the ones they seek out and prioritize as they get closer to 30. That’s just part of getting older, and applies to all aspects of life; what you do for work, what you do for fun, and how you deal with problems all change as you get older. I wouldn’t say my potential significant other’s qualities wishlist was ever shaped by the loser boyfriends of MLB girls, but it certainly helped me realize when I was speaking to a good man who was worthy of my time and mental energy, versus when I was speaking to a man that needed to be weeded out. Psychologists have said forever that parents are a child’s first template for what romantic love should be; conversely, MLB girls’ loser boyfriends are the 20-something year old woman’s template for what romantic love shouldn’t be.
Everything in your early 20s is a learning experience, professionally, socially, personally, and romantically. Romantic love just has a way of seeping into the many cracks and crevices of who we are in a way that a demanding job or social anxiety simply do not, for better or for worse. No one (gender neutral) is above heartbreak and disappointment, but there’s levels. We should experience heartbreak and disappointment; we need to know that we can have these feelings and experiences and come back from it, and do it all over again. However, we should not have to mourn all of the dollars lost in stupid venmo charges from loser boyfriends, all of the rude put-downs from loser boyfriends, all of the second-hand embarrassment from loser boyfriend’s lack of social graces and frequent faux-pas. We should be above these things, and personally, the loser boyfriends of MLB girls helped me never have these experiences.
As I get into my late 20s, MLB girls are disappearing; the war is, perhaps, over for now in my cohort. Yet, time is a flat circle, as we all know, and MLB girls in a younger cohort are running themselves ragged and breaking out in hives over the loser boyfriends of today. And so it goes.
As I sign off, I leave you with a word of advice: loser boyfriends are forever, and if an early 20s girl is reading this, just know you can choose to avoid having a loser boyfriend, and learn from them secondhand instead.
Love these musings. What struck me after reading this is the concept of a hidden MLB. They appear self-assured, content, and happy with themselves for maybe the first few months or even years. But, slowly, the one-off comments, jokes, and quips aren't just one-offs. They're a collection of comments that show us who these men really are: MLBs who are aware of their loser quality, which further contributes to their deep-rooted insecurities. I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned is there's no sure-fire way of identifying an MLB off the bat (ha)... but ultimately, they reveal themselves in time.